Dear _________ Team,
I came across your job post on Indeed and would love to apply for the ___________ intern position. I study Political Science and Literature. I love the combination because it makes me sound both remotely intelligent while also somewhat artistic. It exudes a balance that, if I’m being completely honest, I emotionally lack. Sometimes I question the practicality of International Relations as a major. I often ponder how knowing Hobbe’s perpetual state of anarchy or the realism/liberalism debate will help me get a job. As for literature, I feel inclined to say I admire the classics because otherwise I’d feel like I’d lose all authenticity as a lit major. The truth is, I can’t get past two pages of pre-20th century prose. I feel like majoring in something that was once a hobby has stripped it of all therapeutic qualities.
I am applying to this position because I read the Job Description and it sounded remotely interesting. I know close to nothing about your company and all I tell you will be facts I pilfered from a five-second skim of the About page on your website.
What I lack in practical course study I make up for in a detailed list of somewhat-tailored work experience. I worked as an intern for a consulting company. I worked in human resources, which was so operational I felt like a five year old could have successfully completed all of my tasks. There’s something disheartening in hiring people that will be doing something significantly more interesting than what you currently are. I wanted to quit from day one, but I held tight for three months for the prestige the company name would bestow my resume.
Sarcasm is my native language but I also speak the world language of bullet points and numbers, ie. success. I have three diplomas and four internships under my belt. 3.9 out of 4.0. That’s my cumulative GPA. 2260. That was my SAT score. It was significant once upon a time.
I am diligent and hard working, I work well independently but I am also a team player. What I mean is I will give results in arduous and stultifying working conditions because I believe it will assure me a good income and positive future reference letters. My being a team player is contingent on my fellow workers not being complete assholes.
I would love to share my passion for ________ and _________ with the _____________ team. I have thus attached my resume in the hopes that it somehow stands out in comparison to all the other ones you receive. Or in the hopes that you take pity on me. Either one.
You would really make my day if you invited me for an interview. So, please do. Thanks.
I look forward to hearing from you.
The photograph is from an exhibition at the Pinakothek der Moderne in Munich